The Drift

 Perhaps I am mad,
and if I am,
my reason has led me here.

Decades, striving for truth,
elongated, slow-motion strobe lights of
revelation,
awe,
terror,
and annihilation.

The pain created,
by the wound left,
opened up a world to me.

I could now see,
and feel,
this process taking place within me.

Wait.
Stop.
I'm sorry to interrupt the flow.
But take this moment for yourself,
Where are you taking up the most space in your body?
Do you understand this question?
Can you FEEL your answer?
When you allow your awareness to cascade down your body,
what do you feel?
What do you feel at the boundary of your skin?

For a long time, I wasn't even able to feel into my body,
Although if asked, I would say, "of course I feel my body!"
but once I started,
to really feel,
it was a terrible,
unbearable,
a constant source of pain,
of power,
of darkness,
and of light.

Learning to temper my wants,
with the harmony of my being.

Holding my truth as a lantern to light the way.

Learning to the let it flow through me,
rather than by me.

Is this the species spiritual reflex coming online?
If I were a woman, I'd say I have a child inside.

As if there is a sentient energy which has a will of its own,
is it helping or hindering my endeavor for alignment?
Or is it THAT which is to be unlocked once the body is fully aligned?


Unlocking the spine,
and climbing the ladder,
the endless interconnections,
it is almost too much to handle.

It has been years since the strobe light has turned static.
Years since I've built my practice.
And yet still so much pain.
I've been so patient,
thrown so much away,
I've always sought to extract the wisdom,
and to accept my mistakes.
But God why must this pain stay?

I've forgotten myself and helped others,
I've helped myself, to the dismay of others,
I've ridden this lightning bolt of
bio-social-psychological reorganization,
and healed,
and grown,
and yet,

I'm still not whole,
My wounds still ooze,
I still irrationally long,
I still seek certainty,
I still live in a sea of pain,
and I'm losing hope.

I feel a distance growing:
from the seat of my consciousness,
to the center of the sphere,
I am drifting,
further from the center of the self,
and closer to the fear.

The First Virtue

 The first,
and most often forgotten virtue,
is that of curiosity.

She

She makes me feel like I did before my annihilation .

A One-Sided Conversation from 12 years ago: Math, Myth, Metaphor, Reality, and God

 These comments are taken from a conversation, unfortunately jon's comments no longer exist, I am saving the one sided conversation. Dated October 2nd 2009:

"Reality is myth, math, and metaphor"

"You may argue reality is god, but are not those things all god?"

"John to your first comment I say the same to you. Second on all of my questions of what YOU believe and how other things make you feel, you have failed to answer. I think it awesome how much faith you have, and your love for god, and I think your way to god is correct... for you; That doesn't mean that there aren't other paths out there, other ways to connect with god and to understand this universe. I found it upsetting that you would deny my statement; a statement which I would like to see you prove one way or another, because honestly when it comes to things like god or faith there is no way to possibly know what is true. God is something which man can only hope to grasp the fringes of; for it is something greater and more magnificent than our puny cellular minds could grasp. But we can see the results, see the webs which connect all things to the creator.

I am still waiting for your messages to tell me what you believe and feel without pointing me to a website or a book; because anyone can aquire any faith they want, but what makes you disagree with the new age movement? (not that I am even a part of it) what moves your soul to believe the things you believe? What does it make YOU feel? These are the factors which I'm more interested in rather than the outline for your faith.

I think all religions, all philosophys, have some truth in them; People try so hard to be right, to turn things black and white, but what we need is a cohesion and balance of reason and intuition, science and god. love and anger. Because a man cannot be measured by who he is in thought alone; its who he is when a specific event comes his way, and what decision he makes."

"

and as to not be hypocritical...

The evidence for my statement is thus:

when one speaks of reality one must realize the power of perspective (the doors of perspective) which shape and mold a reality for an individual. Your world is viewed differently from mine and everyone elses. When studying civilization you will find that the superstructure is made up of music, art, and symbols. Symbols have a powerful impact on how one INTERPRETS this world and the patterns which exist in the fabric of reality. Thus Myth, the ultimate cohesion of symbols plays a giant role in how we view things. From stories in the bible (adam and eve and the tree) to the greek and roman mythos, and all other religious books which have fables and tales.

Math is the language of this reality. If you do any sort of research into the Fibonacci numbers, to the golden ration, and other aspects of math upon the material universe, you will find that there are patterns which have come to be by certain strings of numbers. From our DNA, to the spiral shell of crayfish, even to the placement of the pyramids. Reality exists on a conscious-driven program. Math allows us to understand everything material that the creator made.

And metaphor is my favorite among them all. Metaphors are a beautiful aspect of language and communication, it allows for one to speak of things outside understanding through the means of something one does understand. It utilizes the prior two ideas, but also.. it shows the relations of the small to the large. The Micro-Macro cosm that exists to such an extent that we are affected by things we don't realize, and we effect things much greater than ourselves. As above, so below."

"I look forward to your ideas, and your response. Thanks man."

"I agree! I live off the discussion of ideas and beliefs. I think we should grab a cup of coffee or something because I think subject matter like this needs to be discussed in person. You could copy and paste the discussion into a word document or email, other than that I'm not to sure."