The Drift

 Perhaps I am mad,
and if I am,
my reason has led me here.

Decades, striving for truth,
elongated, slow-motion strobe lights of
revelation,
awe,
terror,
and annihilation.

The pain created,
by the wound left,
opened up a world to me.

I could now see,
and feel,
this process taking place within me.

Wait.
Stop.
I'm sorry to interrupt the flow.
But take this moment for yourself,
Where are you taking up the most space in your body?
Do you understand this question?
Can you FEEL your answer?
When you allow your awareness to cascade down your body,
what do you feel?
What do you feel at the boundary of your skin?

For a long time, I wasn't even able to feel into my body,
Although if asked, I would say, "of course I feel my body!"
but once I started,
to really feel,
it was a terrible,
unbearable,
a constant source of pain,
of power,
of darkness,
and of light.

Learning to temper my wants,
with the harmony of my being.

Holding my truth as a lantern to light the way.

Learning to the let it flow through me,
rather than by me.

Is this the species spiritual reflex coming online?
If I were a woman, I'd say I have a child inside.

As if there is a sentient energy which has a will of its own,
is it helping or hindering my endeavor for alignment?
Or is it THAT which is to be unlocked once the body is fully aligned?


Unlocking the spine,
and climbing the ladder,
the endless interconnections,
it is almost too much to handle.

It has been years since the strobe light has turned static.
Years since I've built my practice.
And yet still so much pain.
I've been so patient,
thrown so much away,
I've always sought to extract the wisdom,
and to accept my mistakes.
But God why must this pain stay?

I've forgotten myself and helped others,
I've helped myself, to the dismay of others,
I've ridden this lightning bolt of
bio-social-psychological reorganization,
and healed,
and grown,
and yet,

I'm still not whole,
My wounds still ooze,
I still irrationally long,
I still seek certainty,
I still live in a sea of pain,
and I'm losing hope.

I feel a distance growing:
from the seat of my consciousness,
to the center of the sphere,
I am drifting,
further from the center of the self,
and closer to the fear.