Darko Don

 A motorcycle barrels down a side road in a suburban neighborhood as my thought process and feelings  surge with the realization of how lucky I am to have my parents. They are my guardian angels. This is not an idealization, I am painfully aware of their flaws and shortcomings, but if it were not for them, I would be under a bridge, or in a cave, or in some shithole dumpster gutter somewhere...

Working through "this".
Whatever the fuck "this" is. "This" that keeps me from being able to live like everyone else. It isnt just an injury, the injury and pain I sustain every day is but the surface of something I cannot define.
I swear I tried. I really did, but something in me fucking screams at the 9 -5 monotony. It screams in retaliation to the bullshit rat race, run in place, chase the dream that someone else sold me, con game.
The carrots which usually are enough to lure the asses, are carrots that I dont fucking care about. I tried to make myself care about them, I really did.
If I could tell you what that "this" was, I would.
If I could tell you which carrot would work for me, I would.

There is this whole notion that we must carve ourselves from stone,
or to build ourselves up,
or to choose who and what we are,
but it has never been or felt like that for me..

Sure I tried to, but it always felt like bloodly knuckles on concrete .
Instead, it has been a process of reflecting,
discarding, and discovering.
reflecting, discarding, discovering.
Reflecting. Discarding. Discovering.

Reflecting on what is present within me,

discarding that which is no longer in congruence with my current perspective,
and then discovering...

Discovering how I really feel about something.
I dont decide how I feel about it.
I can decide, but that decision is just a layer ontop of how I actually feel about something.
Those layers can be built with reason, bargaining, perspective shifts. magical thinking, religiosity, all those tools we use to change how we actually feel about something, to how we think we should feel...
it is only after we come to see and accept the foundational layers of ourselves that true change can take place.


Perhaps thats why most people burn out at 40 or 45,
they were all living by the "build ourselves up" or "carve ourselves from stone" bullshit
and so they built their layers ontop of foundations of emotions, desires, and beliefs with which they actually had no awareness of, and those feelings were in stark contrast to the lives they had built and the choices they made. The foundation shows through eventually, and when the structure atop it is not in congruence with its fundamentals...well, thats when it all comes crashing down...

I see my friends, and its already too late. We are at hour 2 of the zombie movie, and they've all got bites...
They've already put too much on the line, the ante is huge, and even though they could fold, what would they do? Its not my place to say these things to them, I'll just love them, and let nature take its due.