Breath

 living through echoes of emotion
Events and patterns of years of attack
Now,
Sitting, safely,
breathing, long,
still my system believes it has all gone wrong.

Sometimes struggle,
a fear choked throat,
sometimes wisdom,
rains down my front.

Sitting, safely.
Breathing, long.
I reintroduce my system to the feelings of calm. 

 I wish I could both stay and go,
but that's not the way it goes. 

 The Ego lives in Plato's Cave. 

 Every day here is a new slice of hell. 

It is so simple:

 Mind is what happens when matter travels through time. 

Empty Aphorisms

 That which persists, grows.
...until it doesn't... 

You can see it in their eyes:

 So much silent suffering in the world.
While the loudest voices are usually quite well off.

Holding the Opposites

 What if life is both a sacred gift,

and an eternal case of "charlie brown and the football"?

That would mean that the meaning and importance of life is not in the achieving, not in the acquiring, but something else entirely.

What would it mean if the universe is plotting both for you, and against you, simultaneously?
What would the implications be?

Slow down and savor the scenes?
Knuckle up and push harder?

Nothing is what it seems. 

Do not post Rant

 "You don't want to work? Don't care about green? How can you decipher your value then?"

A FB status of mine from Jan 2016. I had started working when I was 12. Come junior year of highschool I switched to work study.. Freshman year of college and I was working 4 other jobs at the same time as going to classes fulltime..

I hated money, I grew up ever-aware of how its absence affected life. Well, not at first, as a child, everything is, as it is. It is not until we have the capacity for comparisons that the sting of inequality sets in.

then in 2013 I was injured at MT, fired, and left with medical debt from the injury, and left with the injury, no treatment or PT ever received.

Later in 2018 working for a completely different company, injured, and left with nothing but another injury and downward spiral since.

I don't think I could ever go back to work. To re-acclimate to mechanical life.. But where and how will I live once the patience and compassion of my parents wane. Perhaps what I thought was clarity is just illness. Everything seems tainted, distorted. I am sorrow-sicken. I can feel my vitality drain. Valiant attempts to counter these forces are short lived. Happiness comes from fewer things. I distance myself from others so as to not bleed on them. I no longer trust others. Oscillating from hermetic isolation, to having 5 conversations simultaneously. erratic unfocused creativity. Inability to complete anything. Aversion/Absence of self care. Repulsed from going anywhere.

This was saved as a draft from 2022, labeled "rant do not post" 
But at this point, 
What does it even matter?
Its been two years, and despite a few upwellings of hope and opportunity, things are still very much the same. 

Paris

 The year was 2010, the golden light of Paris' sunset soaked the cobblestone and cozy shop windows. At the dismay and protest of my gracious and beautiful hostess (a story for another time), I would spend my days diligently working on my college coursework online. Only then would I step out onto the winding historic streets. I had spent the last 3 months working for a company in England and saved enough to survive on about 45 euros a day. I would start each night at a small cafe, rolling my cigarettes while sipping. Then I would make my way randomly, prowling the streets in search of free live music.

The slogan for those who worship politicians:

 Ignoramus et ignorabimus,- "we do not know and will not know",

Experience > Belief

 “Belief and experience are quite different. A belief comes from what you have heard or read and accepted as fact, but experience is something you have actually perceived. The convictions of those who have experienced God cannot be shaken.” ~ Paramahansa Yogananda

Self-Inquiry

 

What Does Success Look Like To You?

What Is The Outcome You Want?

What Do You Want To Be Different In Three To Five Years?

What Are The Obstacles You’re Facing?

What Can You Control?

What Are The Options You’ve Come Up With?

Tell Me More

What Are You Reading?

What Hobbies are you currently engaging in on a weekly basis?

Fucked From The start:

 "Cause you were never a virgin, kid.
You were fucked from the very start."

me to me 2-15-2011

Supplication

Supplication - the actions of asking or begging earnestly and/or humbly.

Prayer may be supplication, but can also be an expression of praise and thanksgiving.


Prayer: adoration/blessing, contrition/repentance, gratitude/thanksgiving, supplication/petition/intercession

Lover's Quarrel with the Divine

 When you've danced with the divine,
you are less inclined,
to act upon the delights of the flesh.

But when you and the ALL,
are in a lover's quarrel,
The years grow longer,
and  a lover of flesh is the furthest you can crawl.

\/

 The culture's crowned talking heads
will wring their tiny hands, stating,
"it is the rise of the irrational! the approach of the destructive!"
Then, finally, I will be able to breath easily.
Swept in a wave of pure relief,
For I'll know it to be the return of the holy feminine.

What is objective when everything you see is you?

 

Ultimately, the effective metaphysical purpose of many ritual actions is to Tell A Story so Convincingly that Reality Itself goes along with it.

Quitting ain't a marathon

 The last time I quit, is wasn't quite like this.
It was far more easy, but that's because I wasn't facing it.
It was like I had started a marathon race that was going to last the rest of my life, all I had to do was keep nicotine and thc right behind my heels.

This time its different, I'm not running.
Watching everything writhe in anger, indignation, and every vile current of surging psychic sludge lashing out.

Noticing how much it was holding together, keeping at bay.
Ive been told that nicotine actually helps to treat ADHD and with my current linguistic and cognitive struggles I find it easy to believe so. It is harder to focus, I forget my thought while mid thought, I forget what I was just about to initiate, or was just initiating. Emotions come with greater pressure and urgency. Nothing feels good, enjoyable, or satisfying.

Even though I vaped, my craving image comes in the form of a cigarette. Waking at 4am, the unconscious mind beating the shit out of me, wanting a smoke. Why do I do this? Why did I give my mom my word?

It has been roughly 20 weeks now. No Nic, No Thc,
and I feel like shit, I don't feel anymore free. 
Things I used to enjoy,
no longer bring me relief,

things that used to slide,
now seem to stick like sickly shit.

Forgiveness is harder,
each slight burns more,
I'm so tired of having to be the bigger man,
to swallow my scorn.

No more motivated to throw myself to grinder,
instead my distaste and disinterest keeps growing finer.

There was a week or two near the onset of the change,
where I receive a boost of energy,
but just as quickly as it came,
it also waned.

Within

 Where there once was music,
is now just void.

My dreams were once of far off lands
and impossible things,

but now they are of yesterdays,
with friends who used to be.

There is a deep change,
for months now taking root,
I don't think its for the better,
but I don't know what to do.

Maybe this is needed,
an uncertain step toward grace,

but as of right now,
it all feels out of place.

No plans.

Wants are shallow.

I cant help but feel,
I'm being swallowed.

Perhaps soon the end,
or a new beginning, 
but as of right now,
my soul is fallow. 

Futile Fluid Flickering

 The truth has been revealed an infinite number of times, 
and yet for some reason,
it always descends back beneath the surface of consciousness.

I envy the ignorant, 
for usually,

although they do not know,

they "do" quite easily...

While for us,
the literate,
the rational,
the intellectual,
the scientific,

oh god how we know,
how painfully aware,
and yet we are powerless to do a damn thing about it.

Why?
Ask yourself.
Why?

All are self-righteous and self-aggrandizing titles,

 which say more of our ignorance than any claim to mental prowess. 

To Know
To Do

These are very different functions,
as different as sight from taste.

Balance them in the same way as body builders,
if you work biceps, you work the counter muscle, the triceps.

So with your "knowing" 
and with your "doing"
Work the push & pull. 

All opinion is a celebration of ignorance:

I am so tired of opinion, 

those of others'

as well as my own. 

Sand

 it's all a ticking timebomb.
it's razor-bladed grains of sand,
slipping through your hands.
serrating pieces of you as they fall between your fingers.

no matter how you shape or clench,
or twist your hands,
still the sand slices and slips through.
taking with it,
more and more pieces of you.

There is nothing you can do.
It's all filling up,
its all slipping away.
You see what's important,
but still can't say, 
you still can't stay.

Like magnets of the same pole,
the more you know,
the more you cannot hold.

The closer you get,
the greater the push

an invisible barrier between you
now,
then,
us,
them,
want,
and love.

 

Everything is a doorway into infinity:

 Each thought, a strand within the great spider's web,
Follow any for too long,
and prepare for infinity ahead. 

A Rose...

 A rose cannot be enjoyed if we are fixated solely on the thorns. 

Perpetuators of Pain, of War, of forms of manipulation and control. Go fuck yourselves, instead of blaming and burning the world.

 Of all the disgusting and perverse things in this world,
nothing so turns my stomach,
like the vision of those who have deceived themselves so deeply,
that they believe the lies of their own righteous fury.

Part and parcel for the spell,
they dehumanize those not deemed friendly,
and decide EVIL is the only motivator for their enemies.

All mirrors shattered in their war cry,
their ancestors trying to warn them the entire time.
But as the power hungry use fear to control,
history repeats,
god have mercy on man's putrid soul.

Our Age is

 The fruition of the bureaucratic eradication of the human spirit.

Fuck Your Politics

 As long as the rhetoric remains, "Us Versus Them" 
each of us,
no matter creed, belief, or nation,
Is as good as Dead. 

*

 Expanding the daily delight of beauty.

Patterns of Mind

 In our mad search for certainty we would sooner decide atrocity,
rather than accepting the fact that we cannot see.

Technology-

 What we call technology is mankind unconsciously rebuilding itself from the inside out.