Quitting ain't a marathon

 The last time I quit, is wasn't quite like this.
It was far more easy, but that's because I wasn't facing it.
It was like I had started a marathon race that was going to last the rest of my life, all I had to do was keep nicotine and thc right behind my heels.

This time its different, I'm not running.
Watching everything writhe in anger, indignation, and every vile current of surging psychic sludge lashing out.

Noticing how much it was holding together, keeping at bay.
Ive been told that nicotine actually helps to treat ADHD and with my current linguistic and cognitive struggles I find it easy to believe so. It is harder to focus, I forget my thought while mid thought, I forget what I was just about to initiate, or was just initiating. Emotions come with greater pressure and urgency. Nothing feels good, enjoyable, or satisfying.

Even though I vaped, my craving image comes in the form of a cigarette. Waking at 4am, the unconscious mind beating the shit out of me, wanting a smoke. Why do I do this? Why did I give my mom my word?

It has been roughly 20 weeks now. No Nic, No Thc,
and I feel like shit, I don't feel anymore free. 
Things I used to enjoy,
no longer bring me relief,

things that used to slide,
now seem to stick like sickly shit.

Forgiveness is harder,
each slight burns more,
I'm so tired of having to be the bigger man,
to swallow my scorn.

No more motivated to throw myself to grinder,
instead my distaste and disinterest keeps growing finer.

There was a week or two near the onset of the change,
where I receive a boost of energy,
but just as quickly as it came,
it also waned.